Submission (Amanda)

I have hinted at this in random conversations with people, but I wanted to spell it all out at one time, for everyone to read all the pieces of the story, for God is truly amazing.

I used to be fiercely independent, believing I could have and do it all, and believing fully in equality of men and women, a bit of a feminist even. Hang with me here, some of you are ready to argue. I know, some of you are thinking, "You aren't still fiercely independent, etc.?" Maybe you mean stubborn. :) I am, but I am not. God has really changed my heart.

I used to think I could be a high school band director and a mom and anything else I wanted to be all at once. Once I started working in a high school, I realized I didn't want to give that much of myself away at the expense of my family. So my desires were changed. Then I had my first child, and God made it clear that I shouldn't even be an associate band director at the high school level. I became protective of my time with Ryan and Ryleigh, and so excited by the opportunity to have more of it. Once I became a mother, I realized that was all I wanted to be. Maybe not all, but certainly God convicted me that it was to be my primary focus.

It hasn't been easy, all the role-reversal in our family. Ryan and I have often struggled with the "head of the household" and "wives, submit to your husbands" thing. Partly because I'm so stubborn. Partly because I was the primary breadwinner, and while we knew it was only for a season, we also knew it wasn't God's overall design for the family.

Which leads me to submission. I always struggled with the idea of submitting to Ryan, because I thought it somehow meant he was stronger or more important than I am. Then someone explained it all one day, and I finally got it. You can't just stop at "Wives, submit to your husbands." You have to keep going. You have to understand that this submission is the same submission to God's will that led Christ to the Cross for each and every one of us. That submission is not subverting my will, but it is trusting God to lead my husband according to His will. Not submitting to Ryan is not trusting God with our lives. If my husband is submitting his will to God, then I need to trust that, and submit my will to my husband. I need to trust that God will lead him down the right path.

Do I want to move to Pennsylvania? Not really. Do I question the master's degree in something completely unrelated to farming, agriculture, business, etc.? Absolutely. Do I doubt that God is holding my hand, has a plan for my life, knows what tomorrow holds, and wants to bless me and my family abundantly? Not for one second. I submit to Ryan's will to move back to the farm, because I trust this is in God's hands. I think in the long run it will be good for our family, but that's because I believe God wants us there. Every step of the way, God has shown His faithfulness to us. I cannot doubt that for one second, and I fully believe He will continue to be faithful in our future as He has been in our past.

I'm going to miss Northern Virginia like crazy. Not the traffic, not the hectic pace of life, not the feeling that there's never enough time to get together because everyone is always so busy. That's the only thing I miss about our year in rural North Carolina -- the slower pace of life. Sometimes, just sometimes, I wish I could have a little time where life moves that slowly.

I'm going to miss the people, though. I'm going to miss FCC. I'm going to miss Rod's teaching and Chris's music. I'm going to miss the people who love on my girls so I can have a focused worship experience each weekend. I'm going to miss all the women who have poured into my life. I'm afraid to name them all for fear I'll miss someone, but Donna and Kathleen are two who've really touched me. I'm going to miss my small group. I'm going to miss the friends I've made through the church, which is most of the people I know.

I'm going to miss the comraderie among Fairfax County band directors. I'm going to miss that there was always someone to ask for advice. I'm going to miss my various coworkers and teammates over the years who have powerful influences on my teaching.

If I let myself dwell on it, I'm going to miss what we've built here over the last 9 years. Not just the relationships, although that's the biggest part, but my career and the connections that go with that. It's hard to leave all that. It was really hard to leave West Springfield last year, but God has honored my faithfulness to what I felt He was calling me, and this year has been such a blessing. It's harder to walk away now, but I must focus not on what I'm walking away from but what I'm walking toward. Granted, I'm not really sure what that is, but I do know it's God's plan for my family.

I am walking toward God, with every step I take and every day that I live. Sometimes I slip back, sometimes I stumble and fall, but I get up and press forward. And so we're diving in and moving forward with this. There's a lot I can't explain, other than to say it's is God's will, God's plan, God's doing, and if you just hang with us, you'll get to see what He does with this. I don't know what it is, but it's going to be great, and that is exciting. And that is why I submit to my husband, out of trust and faith in a God who loves me immeasureably, a God who created me and everything in this world, a God who gave His Son for me.

Well, this is a long entry. And I have less than two weeks. I should probably go pack something. My story of learning the meaning of submission is one that I hope can touch others, because it is definitely something I struggled with. May you be blessed by my story. May you give a second thought to this Scripture. My prayer is that those who read this will understand.