So I've been contemplating this entry for a while. I apologize if this ends up being long; it's a couple of months worth of "stuff." Part of the delay was figuring out how to explain something that I am unable to discuss the details of and yet is a huge part of my story. It finally came together for me.
Have you ever prayed that prayer: "God, if this one thing would happen, life would be perfect. I know it's impossible, but...?" And did you believe the impossibility was bigger than God? Silly you. Silly me. During my time teaching in Fairfax County, I learned a lot. A lot of which I was unable to process and understand until I left. And I moved to PA with one impossibility on my mind. Ryan and I often talked about how great it would be, if only... (that's the part I can't talk about). But I really believed that the impossibility of that desire was just that... impossible. I never dreamed such an opportunity would ever come my way. (Yes, there are a few of you out there who helped me process this, so you do know what I'm talking about.)
But God is SO big. Just before Christmas and in the few weeks following, God showed me how big He really is. God made the impossible come true. The opportunity I thought would make life perfect presented itself. The door to my golden opportunity was wide open. And I hesitated. I did not walk right through. Surprised? I was. Surprised at myself. I talked to Ryan, to my family, to my closest friends, to the God who opened the door. I wondered why I even felt the need to think about it. I prayed for God to make the decision so clear. Ryan found an article at Nehemiah Ministries about golden opportunities. This really spoke to my heart, in so many ways. I continued to pray for a period of weeks. I finally came to a point where I made a decision. I am grateful for a dear friend who spoke major truth to me during our precious time together and helped me reach that point of knowing myself. "God, I am going to walk through this open door, unless you stop me." And I even dared to declare to Him the red flag I was hoping for. And again, I failed to trust in the greatness of my God. I declared the flag I hoped to see, but I assure you, I did not believe I would see it.
God answered my impossible prayer and then proceded to stop me from walking through the open door with the very thing I believed He could not do. It was a moment where God's singular answer was the answer to many questions all at once. (It has since created some additional questions, mostly about my sanity, but that's another story.)
So, while I am not at liberty to talk about the specifics of the open door (and they don't matter in terms of God's story), I can talk about God's answer and what this particular red flag looks like. This particular flag takes the form of nausea and exhaustion for several months and will result in an addition to our family come September. (And the flag was pink, not red.) This, too, was something I wasn't sure was possible, at least not at that very moment. And yet, here was my sign, clear as day. The sign that caused me to walk away from the open door. Completely at peace with walking away.
There is much work God still has to do with me. I still struggle daily with where God is leading me, with the big picture. But clearly, He is bigger than anything I am dealing with. He is big enough to do the impossible, and I am resting in that. God showed me that He truly does know me so intimately and the desires of my heart (He put them there), that He can and will provide for all my needs, and that it will all be OK. And if He can do this once, He can do it again, when I'm not so busy with my most important calling as a mom. But most importantly, God really taught me a lot about myself through the period of weeks between the opening of and the walking away from the door. I am grateful for the journey. And that nothing is impossible with God.
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