God is Bigger than the Impossible Dream

So I've been contemplating this entry for a while. I apologize if this ends up being long; it's a couple of months worth of "stuff." Part of the delay was figuring out how to explain something that I am unable to discuss the details of and yet is a huge part of my story. It finally came together for me.

Have you ever prayed that prayer: "God, if this one thing would happen, life would be perfect. I know it's impossible, but...?" And did you believe the impossibility was bigger than God? Silly you. Silly me. During my time teaching in Fairfax County, I learned a lot. A lot of which I was unable to process and understand until I left. And I moved to PA with one impossibility on my mind. Ryan and I often talked about how great it would be, if only... (that's the part I can't talk about). But I really believed that the impossibility of that desire was just that... impossible. I never dreamed such an opportunity would ever come my way. (Yes, there are a few of you out there who helped me process this, so you do know what I'm talking about.)

But God is SO big. Just before Christmas and in the few weeks following, God showed me how big He really is. God made the impossible come true. The opportunity I thought would make life perfect presented itself. The door to my golden opportunity was wide open. And I hesitated. I did not walk right through. Surprised? I was. Surprised at myself. I talked to Ryan, to my family, to my closest friends, to the God who opened the door. I wondered why I even felt the need to think about it. I prayed for God to make the decision so clear. Ryan found an article at Nehemiah Ministries about golden opportunities. This really spoke to my heart, in so many ways. I continued to pray for a period of weeks. I finally came to a point where I made a decision. I am grateful for a dear friend who spoke major truth to me during our precious time together and helped me reach that point of knowing myself. "God, I am going to walk through this open door, unless you stop me." And I even dared to declare to Him the red flag I was hoping for. And again, I failed to trust in the greatness of my God. I declared the flag I hoped to see, but I assure you, I did not believe I would see it.

God answered my impossible prayer and then proceded to stop me from walking through the open door with the very thing I believed He could not do. It was a moment where God's singular answer was the answer to many questions all at once. (It has since created some additional questions, mostly about my sanity, but that's another story.)

So, while I am not at liberty to talk about the specifics of the open door (and they don't matter in terms of God's story), I can talk about God's answer and what this particular red flag looks like. This particular flag takes the form of nausea and exhaustion for several months and will result in an addition to our family come September. (And the flag was pink, not red.) This, too, was something I wasn't sure was possible, at least not at that very moment. And yet, here was my sign, clear as day. The sign that caused me to walk away from the open door. Completely at peace with walking away.

There is much work God still has to do with me. I still struggle daily with where God is leading me, with the big picture. But clearly, He is bigger than anything I am dealing with. He is big enough to do the impossible, and I am resting in that. God showed me that He truly does know me so intimately and the desires of my heart (He put them there), that He can and will provide for all my needs, and that it will all be OK. And if He can do this once, He can do it again, when I'm not so busy with my most important calling as a mom. But most importantly, God really taught me a lot about myself through the period of weeks between the opening of and the walking away from the door. I am grateful for the journey. And that nothing is impossible with God.

Your Hands

You ever notice how a song will find you over and over again when you most need to hear it? This song has echoed through my days recently, and its words, though simple, speak volumes. My life is not a disaster, there are people going through far worse than anything I have ever struggled with. But these words provide comfort wherever you are, wherever you've been. The only place to be is safe in His hands, because He is constant, unwavering, unshakable.

Over the last year and a half, I have struggled with lonliness and all the uncertainty of starting over at a time in life when I thought we would be settling in. And despite all my doubts, God has reassured me time and time again that He is indeed holding me in His hands, working out His plan, and loving me with a love only He is capable of. I just need to let go. Karen Owens wrote in her blog once about monkey bars... how the scary part isn't hanging on, it's letting go and falling. What am I hanging on to? What if I just let myself fall? I know where I'd land, so why am I afraid of letting go?

I have unanswered prayers
I have trouble I wish wasn't there
And I have asked a thousand ways
That you would take my pain away

I am trying to understand
How to walk this weary land
Make straight the paths that crookedly lie
Oh Lord, before these feet of mine

When my world is shaking
Heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave your hands

When you walked upon the Earth
You healed the broken, lost, and hurt
I know you hate to see me cry
One day You will set all things right

When my world is shaking
Heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave your hands

Your hands
Your hands that shape the world
Are holding me, they hold me still

Doubt

Pastor John has been talking about doubt the last few weeks. Do you doubt God? Have you ever? Can anyone who's walked this walk for very long say they've never doubted? Honestly? Not even a little bit? It's part of our humanity and our struggle for control, right?

So I was just thinking about this. Thinking about me and where I am on my journey. And I thought about my doubt. What do I doubt? I do not doubt that God is there, or even right here. I do not doubt that He sent His only Son to the Cross with me on His mind. I do not doubt my salvation and my eternal destination. I do not doubt that God has a plan. Yes, I sometimes question that plan, but I know He knows the big picture that I cannot see, and that in light of eternity, it must make sense.

But oh, I doubt. So what is it I doubt? That's the very question I ask myself. Well... There's a lot of things in my life right now that I wish were different than they are, and yet, I still believe God has me here for a reason. I do think I need an attitude adjustment, especially lately. I know I have much to be grateful for... my husband, two healthy little girls, life itself, food in my pantry (even if none of it seems to satisfy these days), a roof over my head (even if it's a mess beneath that roof), an amazing family (who only drives my crazy sometimes), friends (even if they sometimes seem so far away)... all the things that matter. I should be full of joy. And I hate that I'm not. I really hate my attitude. But some days, I'm just so tired, I don't feel like I can even think about adjusting it. Does that make any sense?

So I don't doubt there is a plan, but I think I doubt my role in it. Not that I have a role, but that I am fulfilling it, or doing so very well. I doubt myself. I look at all the ways I am failing to live up to what I think I should, or what I think my husband must expect of me, or what my friends might expect, or what Martha Stewart would expect. I look at amazing, godly women who have been through really tough stuff, really tough stuff, and yet walk with grace and joy I know I do not exude. What is my problem? My life isn't that bad. Is it exactly how I would have imagined it? No, probably not. But isn't awful, just lonely sometimes.

God, I know you have a plan, but I sure would appreciate being let in on it. I don't think this is all you have for me. What do you want to do with this life? Surely, there's more to it than washing and drying and folding laundry so it can get dirty and wet and wrinkled again, more than dishwashers being loaded and unloaded (be grateful I have a dishwasher), more than changing diapers I just changed five minutes ago (Ashtyn, are you ready for the potty?), more than sucking up goldfish crumbs for the umpteenth time, more than picking up toys for the millionth time (why do we have so many toys???), more than...

Remember that book we read as girls, "Are you there God? It's me Margaret?" Are you there God? Yeah, OK, there you are. What are we going to do today? Show me something new today. Help my unbelief. I do not doubt You or that You have a plan. I think I might be getting in the way. So I guess my prayer is once again, "Lord move, or move me." Move me. Out of Your way. And remove my doubt.

Secrets... Sweet Secrets

A blogging friend of mine mentioned a few weeks ago that we must have stuff going on since I've been so negligent in my blogging. She has no idea. Sometimes God does amazing things, and it's hard to process it, at least publicly, for a while. So, my friends, be patient. I keep the sweet secrets He is revealing to me, but not forever. I'm just trying to put all the pieces together.

God continues to remind me, and it's no secret, that He loves me more than I can imagine, even when I feel completely alone. He continues to remind me that it is all for a purpose and all under His control, even if I can't see it right now. And He will always provide for all of my needs. Even when I think what I need or want is actually an impossible desire. He is more than capable. Have a little faith, Amanda.

Sometimes one answer takes care of many questions. Thank you God, for so succintly answering so many of my questions. Granted, the answer brings more questions (mostly about my sanity), but I trust you will provide answers to those questions in due time.

Well, it's preschool pick-up time. Stay tuned, friends. It's only a matter of time. :)