Doubt

Pastor John has been talking about doubt the last few weeks. Do you doubt God? Have you ever? Can anyone who's walked this walk for very long say they've never doubted? Honestly? Not even a little bit? It's part of our humanity and our struggle for control, right?

So I was just thinking about this. Thinking about me and where I am on my journey. And I thought about my doubt. What do I doubt? I do not doubt that God is there, or even right here. I do not doubt that He sent His only Son to the Cross with me on His mind. I do not doubt my salvation and my eternal destination. I do not doubt that God has a plan. Yes, I sometimes question that plan, but I know He knows the big picture that I cannot see, and that in light of eternity, it must make sense.

But oh, I doubt. So what is it I doubt? That's the very question I ask myself. Well... There's a lot of things in my life right now that I wish were different than they are, and yet, I still believe God has me here for a reason. I do think I need an attitude adjustment, especially lately. I know I have much to be grateful for... my husband, two healthy little girls, life itself, food in my pantry (even if none of it seems to satisfy these days), a roof over my head (even if it's a mess beneath that roof), an amazing family (who only drives my crazy sometimes), friends (even if they sometimes seem so far away)... all the things that matter. I should be full of joy. And I hate that I'm not. I really hate my attitude. But some days, I'm just so tired, I don't feel like I can even think about adjusting it. Does that make any sense?

So I don't doubt there is a plan, but I think I doubt my role in it. Not that I have a role, but that I am fulfilling it, or doing so very well. I doubt myself. I look at all the ways I am failing to live up to what I think I should, or what I think my husband must expect of me, or what my friends might expect, or what Martha Stewart would expect. I look at amazing, godly women who have been through really tough stuff, really tough stuff, and yet walk with grace and joy I know I do not exude. What is my problem? My life isn't that bad. Is it exactly how I would have imagined it? No, probably not. But isn't awful, just lonely sometimes.

God, I know you have a plan, but I sure would appreciate being let in on it. I don't think this is all you have for me. What do you want to do with this life? Surely, there's more to it than washing and drying and folding laundry so it can get dirty and wet and wrinkled again, more than dishwashers being loaded and unloaded (be grateful I have a dishwasher), more than changing diapers I just changed five minutes ago (Ashtyn, are you ready for the potty?), more than sucking up goldfish crumbs for the umpteenth time, more than picking up toys for the millionth time (why do we have so many toys???), more than...

Remember that book we read as girls, "Are you there God? It's me Margaret?" Are you there God? Yeah, OK, there you are. What are we going to do today? Show me something new today. Help my unbelief. I do not doubt You or that You have a plan. I think I might be getting in the way. So I guess my prayer is once again, "Lord move, or move me." Move me. Out of Your way. And remove my doubt.