God is Bigger than the Impossible Dream

So I've been contemplating this entry for a while. I apologize if this ends up being long; it's a couple of months worth of "stuff." Part of the delay was figuring out how to explain something that I am unable to discuss the details of and yet is a huge part of my story. It finally came together for me.

Have you ever prayed that prayer: "God, if this one thing would happen, life would be perfect. I know it's impossible, but...?" And did you believe the impossibility was bigger than God? Silly you. Silly me. During my time teaching in Fairfax County, I learned a lot. A lot of which I was unable to process and understand until I left. And I moved to PA with one impossibility on my mind. Ryan and I often talked about how great it would be, if only... (that's the part I can't talk about). But I really believed that the impossibility of that desire was just that... impossible. I never dreamed such an opportunity would ever come my way. (Yes, there are a few of you out there who helped me process this, so you do know what I'm talking about.)

But God is SO big. Just before Christmas and in the few weeks following, God showed me how big He really is. God made the impossible come true. The opportunity I thought would make life perfect presented itself. The door to my golden opportunity was wide open. And I hesitated. I did not walk right through. Surprised? I was. Surprised at myself. I talked to Ryan, to my family, to my closest friends, to the God who opened the door. I wondered why I even felt the need to think about it. I prayed for God to make the decision so clear. Ryan found an article at Nehemiah Ministries about golden opportunities. This really spoke to my heart, in so many ways. I continued to pray for a period of weeks. I finally came to a point where I made a decision. I am grateful for a dear friend who spoke major truth to me during our precious time together and helped me reach that point of knowing myself. "God, I am going to walk through this open door, unless you stop me." And I even dared to declare to Him the red flag I was hoping for. And again, I failed to trust in the greatness of my God. I declared the flag I hoped to see, but I assure you, I did not believe I would see it.

God answered my impossible prayer and then proceded to stop me from walking through the open door with the very thing I believed He could not do. It was a moment where God's singular answer was the answer to many questions all at once. (It has since created some additional questions, mostly about my sanity, but that's another story.)

So, while I am not at liberty to talk about the specifics of the open door (and they don't matter in terms of God's story), I can talk about God's answer and what this particular red flag looks like. This particular flag takes the form of nausea and exhaustion for several months and will result in an addition to our family come September. (And the flag was pink, not red.) This, too, was something I wasn't sure was possible, at least not at that very moment. And yet, here was my sign, clear as day. The sign that caused me to walk away from the open door. Completely at peace with walking away.

There is much work God still has to do with me. I still struggle daily with where God is leading me, with the big picture. But clearly, He is bigger than anything I am dealing with. He is big enough to do the impossible, and I am resting in that. God showed me that He truly does know me so intimately and the desires of my heart (He put them there), that He can and will provide for all my needs, and that it will all be OK. And if He can do this once, He can do it again, when I'm not so busy with my most important calling as a mom. But most importantly, God really taught me a lot about myself through the period of weeks between the opening of and the walking away from the door. I am grateful for the journey. And that nothing is impossible with God.

Your Hands

You ever notice how a song will find you over and over again when you most need to hear it? This song has echoed through my days recently, and its words, though simple, speak volumes. My life is not a disaster, there are people going through far worse than anything I have ever struggled with. But these words provide comfort wherever you are, wherever you've been. The only place to be is safe in His hands, because He is constant, unwavering, unshakable.

Over the last year and a half, I have struggled with lonliness and all the uncertainty of starting over at a time in life when I thought we would be settling in. And despite all my doubts, God has reassured me time and time again that He is indeed holding me in His hands, working out His plan, and loving me with a love only He is capable of. I just need to let go. Karen Owens wrote in her blog once about monkey bars... how the scary part isn't hanging on, it's letting go and falling. What am I hanging on to? What if I just let myself fall? I know where I'd land, so why am I afraid of letting go?

I have unanswered prayers
I have trouble I wish wasn't there
And I have asked a thousand ways
That you would take my pain away

I am trying to understand
How to walk this weary land
Make straight the paths that crookedly lie
Oh Lord, before these feet of mine

When my world is shaking
Heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave your hands

When you walked upon the Earth
You healed the broken, lost, and hurt
I know you hate to see me cry
One day You will set all things right

When my world is shaking
Heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave your hands

Your hands
Your hands that shape the world
Are holding me, they hold me still

Doubt

Pastor John has been talking about doubt the last few weeks. Do you doubt God? Have you ever? Can anyone who's walked this walk for very long say they've never doubted? Honestly? Not even a little bit? It's part of our humanity and our struggle for control, right?

So I was just thinking about this. Thinking about me and where I am on my journey. And I thought about my doubt. What do I doubt? I do not doubt that God is there, or even right here. I do not doubt that He sent His only Son to the Cross with me on His mind. I do not doubt my salvation and my eternal destination. I do not doubt that God has a plan. Yes, I sometimes question that plan, but I know He knows the big picture that I cannot see, and that in light of eternity, it must make sense.

But oh, I doubt. So what is it I doubt? That's the very question I ask myself. Well... There's a lot of things in my life right now that I wish were different than they are, and yet, I still believe God has me here for a reason. I do think I need an attitude adjustment, especially lately. I know I have much to be grateful for... my husband, two healthy little girls, life itself, food in my pantry (even if none of it seems to satisfy these days), a roof over my head (even if it's a mess beneath that roof), an amazing family (who only drives my crazy sometimes), friends (even if they sometimes seem so far away)... all the things that matter. I should be full of joy. And I hate that I'm not. I really hate my attitude. But some days, I'm just so tired, I don't feel like I can even think about adjusting it. Does that make any sense?

So I don't doubt there is a plan, but I think I doubt my role in it. Not that I have a role, but that I am fulfilling it, or doing so very well. I doubt myself. I look at all the ways I am failing to live up to what I think I should, or what I think my husband must expect of me, or what my friends might expect, or what Martha Stewart would expect. I look at amazing, godly women who have been through really tough stuff, really tough stuff, and yet walk with grace and joy I know I do not exude. What is my problem? My life isn't that bad. Is it exactly how I would have imagined it? No, probably not. But isn't awful, just lonely sometimes.

God, I know you have a plan, but I sure would appreciate being let in on it. I don't think this is all you have for me. What do you want to do with this life? Surely, there's more to it than washing and drying and folding laundry so it can get dirty and wet and wrinkled again, more than dishwashers being loaded and unloaded (be grateful I have a dishwasher), more than changing diapers I just changed five minutes ago (Ashtyn, are you ready for the potty?), more than sucking up goldfish crumbs for the umpteenth time, more than picking up toys for the millionth time (why do we have so many toys???), more than...

Remember that book we read as girls, "Are you there God? It's me Margaret?" Are you there God? Yeah, OK, there you are. What are we going to do today? Show me something new today. Help my unbelief. I do not doubt You or that You have a plan. I think I might be getting in the way. So I guess my prayer is once again, "Lord move, or move me." Move me. Out of Your way. And remove my doubt.

Secrets... Sweet Secrets

A blogging friend of mine mentioned a few weeks ago that we must have stuff going on since I've been so negligent in my blogging. She has no idea. Sometimes God does amazing things, and it's hard to process it, at least publicly, for a while. So, my friends, be patient. I keep the sweet secrets He is revealing to me, but not forever. I'm just trying to put all the pieces together.

God continues to remind me, and it's no secret, that He loves me more than I can imagine, even when I feel completely alone. He continues to remind me that it is all for a purpose and all under His control, even if I can't see it right now. And He will always provide for all of my needs. Even when I think what I need or want is actually an impossible desire. He is more than capable. Have a little faith, Amanda.

Sometimes one answer takes care of many questions. Thank you God, for so succintly answering so many of my questions. Granted, the answer brings more questions (mostly about my sanity), but I trust you will provide answers to those questions in due time.

Well, it's preschool pick-up time. Stay tuned, friends. It's only a matter of time. :)

More of My Girls, More Music, More Green in 2009 (Amanda)

So, in our journey toward a more environmentally-friendly lifestyle, we are not printing Christmas letters this year. This post (and the ones that follow) are how each of us sums up the past year. Thanks for reading!

Here's our first "formal" family picture since Ashtyn joined us. Three out of four smiles isn't bad. :)

It's hard to describe the past year for me. As I read over last year's letter, I noticed we referred to it as a roller coaster. As I look back on 2009, I can tell you that 2008 was a kiddie coaster! At least for me! I think I was caught up in the excitement of all the newness of the adventure in 2008. Now reality has hit, and I've discovered reality is going to take far more adjusting than I had initially thought.

The high's of 2009 have been my precious girls. I am often overwhelmed, sometimes by the girls and their antics, but more often by my sheer love for them. I didn't know I could love two little people so much! They bring such joy to my life, and even though they drive me crazy some days, I could not possibly love them more! I'm sure you other parents can relate. I am amazed that two children with the same parents can be so different. Their personalities were summed up one evening as we sat in the family room after dinner. Ryleigh looked at Ryan and said, "I want to wrestle," and proceded to jump on top of him. Ashtyn walked over to me and said, "I want to snuggle." I just laughed. Ryleigh is more of the daddy's girl and much more into active play. Ashtyn is my little snuggle-bug and would rather rock her babies and read to Monkey than run around after her sister (although she does that too).

Sometimes Ryleigh is annoyed with Ashtyn always following her around and trying to do everything she does, but mostly, she relishes it. She loves being the "teacher" and tells Ashtyn, "Oh Ashy, I'm so proud of you!" and gives her big hugs when she does something. They do occasionally fight over toys, but more often than not, they just love being together and being sisters. The other morning we were getting breakfast ready, and Ashtyn looked up at Ryleigh and said, "I love you, Ryleigh!" So sweet!

And as I reflect on my love for my girls, I am then humbled by the love my Father has for me. A love that we prepare to celebrate in the gift of His one and only Son. Because I know that my Heavenly Father alone knows all of me, the good, the bad, and the ugly, and that He still loves me even more than I love my little girls. Wow. I pray that you are celebrating the real reason for the season this year, that you know the person of Jesus and understand the gift that He is, and that no matter what circumstances life has dealt you at the moment, you know that because of His gift, you will enjoy all eternity in the presence of a Holy God. That is the Hope I cling to, even as I ride this roller coaster.

A year ago, we thought we had finally found a church home, but after spending several months there, we felt the need to move on. So we spent the summer and fall once again church shopping. We ask you to continue to pray for this issue in our lives, as it has presented a challenge in our quest to call this home. We believe in God's plan and His purpose, but this has been a struggle.

Speaking of home... In July, we moved from our little carriage house in East Greenville to a home just across the fields from the farm. Moving twice in 12 months is not my idea of a good time and made me realize just how much "stuff" we have. Ugh! On the positive side, we all now have bedroom doors, a bigger and nicer kitchen, and a brand new washer, dryer, and gas grill (thank you, Mom and Dad!). The closeness to the farm allows Ryan to come home for lunch sometimes and for quick trips to the preschool or to Grandma and Poppa's house.

I joined the Montgomery County Concert Band last fall and continue to perform with them. It's been a crazy year there, as our conductor was diagnosed with cancer after our spring concert. The good news is that, after missing the summer season, he was able to return to conduct about half of our November concert. Several of us were given the opportunity, in his absence, to rehearse and conduct pieces of our choosing over the summer, so that was a lot of fun. It felt good to get back on the podium, although I had never been in front of a group of adults before, especially a group mostly older than myself.

To help fill that musical void I've experienced since leaving Virginia, I was also able to take on a part-time job this fall working with the Upper Perkiomen High School Marching Band. Working a few days a week, I assisted with the young, fairly inexperienced program (half the students were rookie marchers). While there was lots of frustration and hurdles to overcome, especially during the first half of the season (one of those was rain nearly every weekend!), we ended up having a great Fall, and I am excited to start again next summer. I am grateful for the opportunity, and I know I was able to grow a lot and realize more of what I am capable of as a teacher. Sometimes you need a fresh start, a new situation, something away from the ordinary routine, to realize how much you've learned.

Another subject I've continued to learn a lot about is the journey toward a "greener" life. While we have always recycled, when Ashtyn was born and we started using gDiapers, a whole new world opened up to us. Then when we moved to PA and started Butter Valley Harvest, our knowledge expanded, as we pursued greener ways of building and running the greenhouse. Growing hydroponically has introduced us to other people who are interested in healthy living, buying local food, etc. Some of my friends laugh at me and my reusable grocery bags and ask me when I became a hippie. But really, it's all about my family. I've realized the advantages to my children when I buy local food (healthier, fresher), eliminate chemicals from our cleaners and detergents and diapers (I don't miss those smells at all!), and do what I can to preserve the earth for their grandchildren. Our motivation isn't so much "save the earth" as it is to do the best we can for our girls and their future and to care for the earth as God told Adam in the Garden of Eden. It just so happens that things that are better for my girls are better for the planet. It's amazing how little steps open doors into a whole new world. I have learned so much!

In Butter Valley Harvest news, we opened a market on the farm back in April. We are open two days a week, and do a steady business. Ryan's mom generally runs the market on Wednesday afternoons, and we spend most Saturdays on the farm. While we have hired one person part-time, I look forward to the day when we can count on non-family members to run the market.

One of the biggest obstacles to feeling settled has been a lack of sleep. Ashtyn has always been a pretty good sleeper (though naps are becoming an issue), but as many of you know, Ryleigh has really struggled since she was about 18 months old with a variety of issues, from confusional arousal to more severe night terrors. We were repeatedly told not to worry, that she would grow out of it. This summer, we noticed that she would hold her breath in the middle of these episodes. We finally saw a pediatric sleep specialist, a blood test revealed an iron deficiency which is at least part of the problem (contributes to Restless Leg Syndrome), and we are awaiting a sleep study in March (or sooner if there's a cancellation). We are excited to finally be getting some answers and appreciate your continued prayers for Ryleigh and her tired parents. (BTW, one of the things I read was that at least 25% of children diagnosed with ADHD are actually suffering from iron deficiency or other sleep disorders that cause them to act out because they are overtired. I totally get that!)

So it's been another crazy year in the Ehst household. But I love my girls more every day, I'm still learning and growing (although not necessarily in ways I would have predicted), and despite my frustrations and emotional fluctuations, God is still in control and on the throne. May you know the peace that passes all understanding this Christmas. And may you be showered with blessings in 2010.

Reflections (Ryan)

Coming soon... so he says. We'll be snowed in this weekend, so come back soon for Ryan's thoughts on 2009.

Update (1/3/2010): OK, clearly Ryan's intentions to blog are not to be realized, so here's a bit from Amanda on his behalf... Butter Valley Harvest is much more than the dream and the promise it was a year ago. Last Christmas, we harvested our first greens for our family's Christmas dinner salads. In January, we began harvesting "for real," and within months we were working with a couple of wholesalers, several Wegman's stores, several Redner's stores, several independent local grocery stores, and opened our own market on the farm. It's been a busy year!

We do not currenty have grow lights (a goal for next year), so our growth times are affected greatly by shorter daylight hours. We are currently selling everything we are growing with the demand being greater than our supply. As the days get longer, our greens will grow faster, and we will be able to increase production.

The tomatoes and cucumbers grew into December and new babies are currently waiting to be transplanted and moved from the lettuce house to the tomato house. We will have new fruits ready in March.

The response from the community to our business has been wonderful, and we are very grateful for that. For more about what we do, please check out our website.... http://www.buttervalleyharvest.com/.

Random Musings on 2009 (Ryleigh)

*Note from Mommy: Ryleigh dictated most of this herself with a little bit of editing from me.*

In March, my best friend from Virginia came to visit for her birthday. Our mommies took me and Maddie to Sweet and Sassy where we got manicures and pedicures and fancy hairdo's. Plus we got glitter stars on our cheeks and lollipops! Mommy can only find this picture of my toes. Where are the ones of our fancy hair???

I celebrated my 4th birthday at the beach in August with my parents and sister, Grandma and Grandpa Bechtel, Uncle Ben, Jaime, and Aunt Sarah and Uncle Andrew. Daddy forgot the decorator for my cupcakes, so we fingerpainted with the icing on the cupcakes instead. I was glad he forgot Mommy's decorator! I was a little afraid of the waves at the beach, but not as afraid as Ashtyn.

I like to be at school and play with my friend Lauren. I'm in the Pre-K class at Bally Community Preschool now, three days a week. I like to play with the farm, puppies, and blocks. I also like when Poppa or Grandma or Daddy picks me up from school sometimes, because that usually mean something special, like a date with Daddy or lunch at the farm. I like to be the Helper of the Day at school, but I also get excited for my friends when it's their turn.

I have trouble sleeping sometimes; it comes and goes. Mommy and Daddy took me to a special doctor who talked to us for a long time. They gave me markers and coloring books and a regular book and stickers, and I got to keep them. I had to have a blood test, which was awful and I cried a lot, and now I have to take yucky iron drops twice a day. But I seem to be sleeping better. I also have to go back to the doctor and sleep over with Mommy or Daddy in a few months. They are going to stick these icky things all over my face and legs, put straps around my chest and tummy, and put tubes in my nose. Mommy says it's to see what happens in my body while I'm asleep, but I don't know how I'm supposed to sleep like that! I think I'll watch a movie.

I love to run and wrestle with Daddy and sing and dance. I also like to take the cushions off the couch and build forts or tents or sliding boards with them. Ashtyn tries to do everything I do. I love Tinkerbell and Princesses, and I love to do craft, especially when glue and/or glitter is involved. I love when Daddy makes up Jack stories for me before bed. I like to retell them and change them a little bit. Mommy and Daddy say I'm very creative. I think it's because my brain never stops!