New Life 2016

It's time to resurrect this blog. Time for a new look. Time for a new title. Time for a new life in every way. Somehow, I will find a way to write about what is current while backtracking and filling in so very many holes.

We are currently living on the farm next to my in-laws' farm. How we got here is another story, another post. But today was an important day for us, one we at one time hoped didn't matter, but it ended up mattering a lot. And it hasn't exactly given us what we had hoped for, but it was a step in the process. So let's back up a bit.

We have been living on this farm since November 1, 2015, after spending the month of October working like crazy to get it ready. Again, that's another story, another post. Our family has not actually purchased this farm due to legal shenanigans that have come up, not with the current owners, but the previous owner. We thought we were moving in, renting for a short time (we thought a couple of months), and then purchasing the property and going through a complete gut on the main farmhouse. Well, due to aforementioned legal stuff, those "couple" months have moved past the 6-month mark. And NOTHING has happened. Details coming later on all the nothing.

But today. Today, May 3rd, 2016 was court day. The current owners -- longtime neighbors, farmers, family friends were forced to take the previous owner to court. There is a well on "our" property. Not a well meant for our house, but a well that was dug to provide water to the townhouse community this developer had planned on building. The backstory is that this family sold "our" farm to a developer, he didn't make his payments, they sued him, and he was forced to return the land to the original owners, who are presently our landlords. Now, I don't understand all the legal stuff, and by the time I hear the story, it's been passed through a few people to get to me. The owner tells my father-in-law who tells my husband who tells me what is going on. Anyway, somehow, for some reason, the developer sold the rights to the water from aforementioned well to himself under another name, another company he owned. So when the land was returned to the current owners, that little detail was missed. And when the owners wanted to sell the property, selling the well to the town of Bally, and dividing the rest of the property between our family and the farmer behind us, they couldn't, all because it was discovered they didn't own the rights to the water. UGH!

We all hoped that when the papers were filed against the previous owner with the court, he would just make things right. How foolish of us! No such luck! So we waited. And waited. And today finally arrived. From what I understand, the judge was definitely in our favor, definitely wants the water rights returned where they belong. But he didn't actually make a ruling. And he didn't give a date to reconvene. I'm so confused. And the other guy didn't even bother to show up, just sent his lawyer.

So, when we moved here six months ago, and I started posting some pictures as we tore out nasty carpeting and replaced flooring in the summer kitchen, and redid a bathroom, people told me to document everything, to post "before" and "after" pics, to blog. So part of my reason for reviving this blog is to document our house, our home, or at least that which will one day be ours. And the other part is because I have so much to say about how we got here, about the journey God is leading us on, about the faithfulness of God to give grace upon grace, about the mercies which are new every morning when I choose to open my eyes to them.

So if you've lost track along the way, we now have four children -- two girls and then two boys. It's been eight years since I left full-time teaching, but most of the time it feels so much longer ago, like another lifetime, maybe a dream. I'm friends with so many former students on Facebook, and I've watched them go off to college, graduate, get married, have babies... it's crazy! They make me feel old and make me feel like I must have left teaching way longer ago than I did. This is a huge part of my story, that I will also have to revisit later.

Mostly, I've been home with the kids since 2008. We have experimented with various levels of my involvement in our hydroponic produce business, Butter Valley Harvest. It has been a challenge, to our daily schedule and to our marriage, to find the balance, and I'm sure we haven't yet achieved it. A year ago, I started a business as an independent consultant with Jamberry, which surprised me at least as much as it might surprise you, if you've known me for any amount of time. Definitely a God story. I've also been working part-time at a local YMCA, which has been mostly rewarding for not only the teaching time it gives me with young children, the adult contact with the parents, but the opportunity to connect with our oldest daughter through exercise as we started running 5Ks together. In addition, I picked up a part-time job subbing in the school cafeterias in our local district. That was never part of the plan, but all this stuff sorta' fell in my lap and we just went with it. Now I'm thinking about priorities as I feel God defining the call He has for my life.

So what will you find here? A little Jamberry. A few parenting stories. Remodeling adventures when I have the energy left. And abundant grace all over the place. Hang with me and let's see where this goes.

Mixed Messages

Wow. Really hearing Satan's voice lately. You know, in those ugly lies he tells us, those voices that can really get us down and tear us apart. I'm starting to see how someone could just give up and give in and believe what they hear. I'm fighting an uphill battle. I know it is the voice of the Father of Lies, and I know why he's saying what he's saying. But some days, it's really hard not to just believe him and give up.

Ryan and I have always believed that marriage mentoring and counseling are powerful and necessary things and should be an important aspect of living the Christian life together with brothers and sisters in Christ. The longer we are married, the more important we believe it is to enter into a mentoring relationship from the beginning of a marriage. Ryan has a degree in marriage and family studies and has served as a trained lay-counselor before. We served as marriage mentors to engaged couples at our last church home. So when we were recently tapped to enter into the marriage ministry at our current church, we shouldn't have been surprised. But the devil hates to see marriages strong and thriving and being unified in Christ. I think marriages are one of his top targets when it comes to what he'd most like to destroy. The destruction of a marriage brings so much hurt and pain and isolation into so many people's lives. So as this opportunity has come up, so have his attacks increased.

Maybe this is sensitive stuff. Maybe I shouldn't put it out there. But maybe the only way for me to hear the Truth louder than the lies is to bring the darkness into the light. So forgive me if you are offended by my honesty. My sister and her husband recently went through a divorce. You don't need to know any more than that. But just as I saw the devil at work as he tore apart the marriage, I now see how he is using it against me. "How can you help anyone? You are a failure!!! You couldn't save your own sister from the pain and destruction. You failed them, you let them down, you didn't do enough!" The convictions of failure are so loud. And then they attack again from the other side. "Are you kidding? Your marriage is not exactly worthy of replication." And then he proceeds to list all the ways I've failed Ryan and the children, all the ways we struggle with balancing home, family, and business. I'm a failure from every side.

I know this is the work of the devil. I know they are his lies designed to shut me down and shut me up. But I also know the Truth. The Truth is bigger and greater than the lies, but in this world, the lies can be louder. We must fight back, or be assured it is a losing battle. There are things I can and should do better in my own marriage, and with my children. Did I do everything I should have in my sister's situation? The one thing I am sure of is that I made mistakes. But I also know that the marriage was not mine to save or to destroy. I tried to help, but I am not responsible for what happened.

Get behind me, Satan. I will not believe your lies. I am loved by the Creator of the Universe who has a plan and a purpose for my life, a plan for the successes and the failures, a plan to prosper me and not to harm me, a plan to use my life for His glory.

Loving My Enemy

We all know what the Bible says about loving our enemies. And we can all agree that can be a challenge. But I have to say that in my life I've been pretty blessed to have very few people I would place in this category. However, a person has more recently come into my life who I suddenly realized fits quite well into this category. And I was challenged about this in a very real way.

I was praying hard the other night, in a rare alone moment, for a specific person in my life who I care about very deeply. Suddenly, God placed this other person who I do not care for on my heart and nudged me. What about this other person? This person needs love, too. This person needs prayer, too. But God, I just want this other person to GO AWAY! Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you. Pout. I don' wanna'. But then I surrendered to the Spirit's leading and began to pray for this person. I don't need to share what I prayed about because that's specific to this person who needs to remain anonymous.

I'm not sharing this because I want you to think well of me. I'm sharing this because it was a very real, very cool experience. I was serious before, when I said I never felt like I had real enemies. And I never felt the struggle of needing to love these non-existent enemies. And a struggle this is. I can't say I showed love to this person yet. But I did pray, and I think I did so with sincerity. Because as I thought and prayed, I realized that what God wants in this situation is really better than what I desire. So I pray that His will be done, in every aspect of the situation, in every aspect of my enemy's life and in our relationship. There are several possible outcomes to this, and several different ways in which God could be glorified. There's probably one God would like most of all, if I could guess, and honestly, it's my least favorite. But I think if God can make that option work out, then this person wouldn't really be my enemy anymore and God really would be glorified.

I'll just keep praying, even for my enemy, and God... the ball's in your court. To you be the glory!

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder

Continuing on what seems to be a theme lately, as I meditate on what it means to be a woman, to be a wife, to be a mother... Beauty is such an issue with us as women. Society sends us a crazy message. But we must be reminded that man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart. And the beauty that is found in the heart far surpasses the beauty found on the outside, both in magnitude and in duration. Youth is fleeting, but character usually grows in its strength and beauty. I am fearfully and wonderfully made, both inside and out. I am created in the image of the Creator. Mercy Me's "Beautiful" hits on the struggle of feeling worthless in the eyes of this world and needing the reminder that God sees things differently.

The days will come when you don't have the strength
When all you hear is you're not worth anything
Wondering if you ever could be loved
And if they truly saw your heart they'd see too much

You're beautiful
You're beautiful
You are made so much more than all of this
You're beautiful
You're beautiful
You are treasured, You are sacred, You are His
You're beautiful

I'm praying that you have the heart to find
Cause you are more than what is hurting you tonight
For all the lies you've held inside so long
And they are nothing in the shadow of the cross

You're beautiful
You're beautiful
You are made so much more than all of this
You're beautiful
You're beautiful
You are treasured, You are sacred, You are His
You're beautiful

Before you ever took a breath
Long before the world began
Of all the wonders He possessed
There was one more precious
Of all the earth and skies above
You're the one He madly loves
Enough to die

You're beautiful
You're beautiful
In His eyes

You're beautiful
You were meant for so much more than all of this
You're beautiful
You are treasured, You are sacred, You are His
You're beautiful.

Come As You Are

I spent much of my life feeling like a disappointment. Even when I felt I had done everything right, I still often felt it wasn't enough. Many times it felt like it would never be enough. And even in my weakness and frustration, there was a lesson. We never are enough, on our own. It is only by Grace that we are saved. It is only through Christ that we are worthy. He takes us where we are, no matter how far away that is. When we turn, He runs to us with open arms, and takes us into the world's greatest hug, just as we are. So the song for this posting is "Come As You Are" by Pocket Full of Rocks. I wish I could have heard these words as a teenager.

He's not mad at you
And He's not disappointed.
His grace is greater still
Than all of your wrong choices.

He is full of mercy
And he is ever kind.
Hear his invitation
His arms are open wide.

You can come as you are with your broken pieces
And all your shameful scars.
The pain you hold in your heart,
Bring it all to Jesus,
You can come as you are.

Louder than the voice
That whispers you're unworthy
Hear the sound of love
That tells a different story.

Shattering your darkness
And pushing through the lies
How tenderly He calls you
His arms are open wide.

You can come as you are with your broken pieces
And all your shameful scars.
The pain you hold in your heart,
Bring it all to Jesus,
You can come as you are.

Healing is Not My Decision

I have been thinking a lot about healing in recent months. Not so much physical healing, but emotional and spiritual healing. The healing that we all must experience when we realize who we are without Christ and allow Him entry into all aspects of our lives, the healing that only He can bring. I'm pretty sure that this is never an easy journey for anyone, but it's definitely harder for some than for others. It's also really difficult to watch people you care about struggle to find their own healing. It's a journey each of us must make, no one can make it for us, no one else can control it. For those of us who like to control, that's frustrating. As a very wise woman (my mom) told me, healing is not our decision, nor is someone else's journey to their own personal healing. We don't get to make the choice of if or when or how. That is in God's hands alone.

So, of course, for me, there's a song. For me, there's always a song. I've heard this song so much on the radio, but last night a new part of the words hit me, and I was compelled to look up the lyrics rather than assuming I knew what they were. They are good. The song is "Healing Begins" by Tenth Avenue North.

So you thought you had to keep this up,
All the work that you do,
So we think that you're good
And you can't believe it's not enough,
All the walls you built up
Are just glass on the outside.

So let 'em fall down.
There's freedom waiting in the sound
When you let your walls fall to the ground
We're here now.

This is where the healing begins,
This is where the healing starts,
When you come to where you're broken within,
The light meets the dark.

Afraid to let your secrets out,
Everything that you hide
Can come crashing through the door now,
But too scared to face all your fear
So you hide, but you find
That the shame won't disappear.

So let it fall down.
There's freedom waiting in the sound
When you let your walls fall to the ground.
We're here now.

This is where the healing begins,
This is where the healing starts
When you come to where you're broken within
The light meets the dark.

Sparks will fly as grace collides
With the dark inside of us
So please don't fight This coming light.
Let this blood come cover us,
His blood can cover us.

This is where the healing begins,
This is where the healing starts,
When you come to where you're broken within,
The light meets the dark.

We all have things we want to hide, tucked away from the rest of the world. We work so hard to keep them hidden that they take us captive. We become obsessed with what others might think if they only knew... But when we release all that baggage to the Ultimate Healer, He doesn't just take it away. He sets us free and buries our garbage at the bottom of the ocean, and covers us in His blood.

We are called to take His light into the darkest places of this world. But it starts within each one of us. The light meets the dark. And overtakes it. And sets us free to shine.

Fearfully & Wonderfully Made

A few weeks ago, on one of the momma pages I'm a fan of on Facebook, the question was raised about how pregnancy and motherhood had influenced your view of your body. I didn't have to think about this long to realize the answer, and yet I hadn't much thought about it before. And I think I was a little bit surprised by my response.

I have never been a big fan of my body. My specific list of issues I had with my body is unimportant, since we all have such a list, and the details are not important. But when I read this question, I realized I didn't much think about the parts of my body I wished I could change anymore.

In addition to putting my body through pregnancy three times, I breastfed all three of my children -- Ryleigh for a year, Ashtyn went a little more than 13 months, and Jaden, at just under 5 months old, is exclusively breastfed. I can't say I love what this has done to my breasts. Large breasts getting much larger, and then when it's over... eh. With all three children, I lost all but ten pounds of my pregnancy weight fairly quickly. The last ten pounds hung on until I stopped nursing.

What is the point of all this? The point is my answer to the initial question. I could bemoan those ten pounds and the larger and later floppier breasts and the extra padding in my thighs. Pregnancy and motherhood do all kinds of crazy things to your body. Some women's feet increase in size during pregnancy. When I heard this while pregnant with my first, I started praying "God, please. I don't care what other side effects you send my way, but please, please don't let my feet get any bigger." I was already a size 10. Guess what? God has a sense of humor. I now wear a size 11 shoe. :)

Despite all this, I am in awe of my body. I remember, during my first pregnancy, when I had the time to think about every little thing that was happening, when I was constantly checking those websites that tell you how big your baby is that particular week, etc. (We called Ryleigh "Lenny" for a while because she was the size of a lentil bean one week.) Psalm 139 took on a whole new meaning, as I was so keenly aware of God's work within my womb as He knit my precious child together over those 41 weeks.

A woman's body changes during pregnancy to perfectly nurture and protect that precious unborn life as best it can. Your baby gets the best of whatever you put into your body. I was simply in awe that my body could sustain another life. And then when I began to feel her move within me... Wow! And then I began to nurse my newborn baby. As an aside, let me just say that, especially with my girls, nursing was no walk in the park for quite some time. But again I was wowed by my body, as it was able to produce the only nourishment my children needed for the first year of their lives, as the milk that was produced within me changed to meet their varying physical needs as they grew during that year. What a masterpiece God has created in the human body!

So, while I may not be particularly happy about certain aspects of my body, pregnancy and motherhood have taught me to appreciate the body God has given me. I know that He knit me together in my mother's womb and prepared my body to then sustain the life of my children. The extra pounds, the cellulite that has been added to my thighs, the larger and saggier breasts, and all the rest... I am proud of them, because those are my marks of motherhood. Some people call them their battle scars. I am able to accept my body for the miraculous way God may it and the way He created me to be a mother. Wow.

His Grace Is Enough

Just a warning, there's a lot going on in this brain, so if there's a sudden flurry of blog entries this week, don't be alarmed. I'm sure it won't continue.

One of the things I've been thinking about these past few days is worth. My worth. What am I worth? Should it depend on who you ask? My answer has changed a lot over the course of my lifetime. So perhaps we'll go back to the beginning...

I don't know if it started sooner, but I know for sure that at age 13, I was very insecure about who I was and what my value was. Actually I know it started a few years prior. It started at that middle school/pre-teen age when you start competing for things, whether it's top grades or roles in school plays. The age when you start believing that certain teachers might have favorites. When I started finding out I wasn't always good enough. Now, in life, this is somewhat unavoidable. We won't always have the highest grade on everything, or be the star of every show, or the MVP of the team (yeah, I know, I was never that), or get the job, or whatever. But there is definitely a more healthy attitude about these competitions than I had. What was probably a normal level of pre-teen struggles with this became much more complicated when we moved to a new, much larger school the summer I turned 13. This issue of knowing early on where true value lies is an area I strive to do right by my children in. We'll see how that turns out.

Lifelong insecurity is no fun. I moved from wondering what my value was to at some points, "knowing' it was non-existent. My self-esteem was frequently quite low during my teens. Dating did not help me at all.

But I don't want to spend this entry telling you about my history of low self-esteem. I want to tell you where I am now. My 30s seem to have brought me to a new place in how I see myself. Maybe it's life experience. But I think it's more of where I am on my spiritual journey. I've heard it said that you can't appreciate the mountaintop experiences if you've lived on the mountaintops your whole life. We need the valleys. So I appreciate where God has brought me, from where He's brought me.

What am I worth? There is only one answer that matters. The truth is, I'm not worthy of anything. On my own. But I am a child of God, the King of Kings. Alone I am worth nothing. I am a failure, a sinner, a disappointment. I've blown it, repeatedly, with my husband, my children, my parents, my siblings, my friends, total strangers. But I am washed in the blood of Christ. The only answer that matters is what I am worth to God. I matter to Him. A lot. The only one who is worthy is the Lamb. But when God looks at me, He sees me through the blood of His Son. I am worth the ultimate sacrifice on the Cross. Because of the Cross, my sins are on the bottom of the ocean, they are as far away as the east is from the west. Because of the Cross, God sees me as worthy through the One who is most worthy. I'm not worthy of much on my own. But with Christ, I am worthy of all the riches of Heaven.

This has nothing to do with what I do. It has everything to do with Grace. Amazing Grace. I love the Chris Tomlin version of this song, with the added verse, "My chains are gone. I've been set free. My God, my Savior has ransomed me!" Somewhere in the last few years, I have developed a new confidence. A confidence in my eternal destiny. I know, with all certainty, that I am worth the blood of the Son to the Father. I know where I will spend eternity. I don't know if I'll ever look in the mirror and think I'm much to look at. I doubt the world, beyond my little circle of influence, will ever know who I am. But I know I have great value to the only One who matters.

Do you understand how much you're worth? How much you're loved? There's only one opinion that matters.

Jesus sought me when a stranger, wandering from the fold of God; 
He, to rescue me from danger, interposed his precious blood. 

O to grace how great a debtor daily I'm constrained to be! 
Let thy goodness, like a fetter, bind my wandering heart to thee. 
Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it, prone to leave the God I love; 
Here's my heart, O take and seal it, seal it for thy courts above. 

The Mirror of Motherhood

It's time to start blogging again. In a slightly different direction. I am becoming increasingly aware of the importance of transparent living, for a variety of reasons. So it is here that I will attempt to be transparent. That doesn't mean I'm going to detail every disagreement Ryan and I have (admission 1 in being transparent: our marriage is not perfect) or every temper tantrum one of my children throws. But I do have struggles, I definitely do not have it all together, and maybe, just maybe, some of that is worth sharing. I also want to share the victories and the joys. I need to document the journey.

Which brings me back to where the heart of this blog is: my journey. God has me on one incredible journey, and I am doing my best to keep to His path and not the one I might choose for myself. I am finding motherhood to be the mirror by which God shows me that which He wants to change in me. We look in the mirror each morning or before we leave the house or whenever, and we see things we want to change -- hair out of place, dark circles that need some makeup, something stuck between our teeth. God is showing me that my children and being a mother is His mirror for my life. Through them, He is showing me the things He wants to change. Unfortunately, God's changes aren't always as simple or as painless as a hairbrush or a piece of dental floss. But they are far more important. And so I record my journey from who I am toward the woman God wants me to be.

Running on Empty (posted 2/6/2011)

I wrote the following entry nearly a year ago, in March of 2010. It's just been sitting here. I now feel the need to post it for a couple of reasons. For one thing, it is a reminder to me of where we have come from, how far we have journeyed in the past year. We've come a long way, baby! And I need to record what we've been through with Ryleigh and her sleep disorder. Speaking of coming a long way, Ryleigh is no longer on iron drops AND she is sleeping soundly through the night almost every night. We have occasional very minor episodes when she is overtired, but other than that, this seems to be something we can now call part of our history. Things really have changed since I wrote this. Thank you, God!

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It's been a hard week. I feel like maybe there have been too many hard weeks over the past two years, but this week has been one of the worst. This is one of those posts that as I sit to write, I know may never see the light of cyberspace. I may just need to get this off my chest. Or maybe I need to release it and ask you to pray over it. *sigh*

I also feel like maybe I need to catch a few people up on what is going on in our world, so you can understand the context. I am 16 weeks pregnant with our third child. I have found this pregnancy to be the most exhausting thus far, probably because I am chasing two little ones around. I have also had a hard time sleeping, which obviously doesn't help. That has definitely been worse this time around.

I also feel like there is no relief, no respite from the day-to-day grind of juggling the girls and this pregnancy. Before we moved back to PA, I had friends who I didn't have to worry about owing something to. If I was ready to lose it, either one of them would bail me out and just take my kids for a few hours, or I could at least take the girls over for a change of scenery. And I would return the favor when it was needed. But no one was keeping score, no one worried about who owed who a few hours of babysitting or whatever. No one worried about whether the house had been cleaned within an hour of the other one coming over. You don't know how much I miss that.

Here in PA, I have really struggled to adapt to this new life of ours. A new life in which I am no longer employed outside the home, even part-time. A life where my day-to-day life is a very solitary one. A life that looks nothing like the one I imagined for myself. A life which seems to take far more from me than it gives back, a life that is draining my tank. I am very aware of where I get energy, and I have struggled to find those places here. Forget struggled, pretty much failed.

We have moved to PA, away from friends and support system, away from church home (although we have finally found a new place to call home), away from stable income, away from a home of our own. Our income is virtually non-existant (just ask Uncle Sam), our friends are few and often busy being connected other places, our church is still new, we have started our own business and are facing all of the uncertainty and emotional struggles that entails, and we are renting a house, which while nice, is far from our own. I think we must rate pretty poorly on the stress level scale.

But here's what made this week especially difficult for me. Our four-year-old daughter has struggled with sleep issues since she was about 18-24 months. We were told repeatedly by doctors that she would outgrow them. They were classified as Confusional Arousal. What this looked like in our world is that several times a week, Ryleigh would scream and cry for hours in the middle of the night, never waking up, but certainly keeping us awake. Sometimes she would thrash about, sometimes get up and walk into our room, but mostly just sit in bed and scream. And most of the time, there was nothing we could do to wake her up. Sometimes, taking her outside or running her feet under cold water helped. I wonder what our neighbors thought of all that screaming! Sometimes we could talk softly to her and rub her arms or legs to help her relax. Sometimes it helped. Sometimes nothing helped. And most of the time, Ryan would sit with her through these episodes. But don't think I was sleeping soundly in the next room.

Last summer, Ryan noticed that Ryleigh would stop breathing in the midst of these episodes. She would scream and cry and then lay down and not breath for 10-15 seconds. Then she would gasp for air, sit up, and start crying again. This time, we told the doctor we were no longer willing to believe she'd just outgrow it. We got an appointment with a specialist for November 2009. He listened and asked great questions, and we felt like we were finally going to get somewhere. He ordered an iron test and found Ryleigh had a ferritin deficiency. This is linked to Restless Leg Syndrome, and the doctor suspected that was triggering the Confusional Arousal. Sure enough, once she was on the iron drops, Ryleigh episodes almost completely disappeared. After three years of sleepless nights, you cannot imagine how good it felt to sleep and have peaceful nights. Perhaps you can imagine that we saw a dramatic improvement in Ryleigh's attitude and behavior, a change in her personality even, once she was no longer sleep-deprived.

We returned to the specialist in February and reported how happy we all were and how much better we were doing. He told us to stop the iron and see if Ryleigh could maintain healthy iron levels. I hesitated to follow orders, but also knew that too much iron is a bad thing. We cut Ryleigh's dosage in half to see how she would respond. She had a few minor episodes, maybe 10 minutes or so, no big deal. But we left it at that.

Back in November, the specialist had ordered a sleep study, but they couldn't schedule us until March. Ugh! A couple of weeks ago, with the sleep study finally approaching, we stopped the iron drops completely, so that we could feel like they'd get the most accurate assessment of what was going on. Boy, did they! This brings us to our week this week...

Ryleigh had horrible nights Sunday, Monday, and Tuesday nights leading up to the sleep study. I was sure this was not good, because usually, when she has a few bad nights in a row, she will then sleep good for a night or two because she is so worn out. But never fear, the sleep study was worse than I imagined it would be. Ryleigh was wired with more wires glued onto her scalp that I anticipated, sensors all over her face, chin, and legs, bands around her chest and stomach, and tubes in her nose to monitor oxygen and carbon dioxide. They recorded everything with a video camera and a microphone above the bed. And I got to sleep in the bed next to her. If you can call it sleep.

The bed was harder than hard, so pregnant Momma just could not get comfortable. I tossed and turned, even after Ryleigh somehow managed to doze off. Then the screaming started. I wasn't allowed to touch her or talk to her or console her, just lay in bed next to my baby and watch her scream. And with all the glue and wires, and her hair sticking up all over the place, she looked possessed or something. And of course, her fits were worse as she tried to fight all the wires. This just meant that the technicians had to come in repeatedly to untangle her and reconnect whichever sensors she had managed to undo. Sometimes, she just rolled over in her sleep one too many times and wrapped the wires around her neck. Really, I don't think I slept until at least 3 am. I know that after about four separate episodes, maybe more, I don't know, we both finally slept. And they had the nerve to wake us up at 6 am. First off, Ryleigh sleeps until 7:30, sometimes longer. Lately, so do I. When they came in, I just about burst into tears! We had just finally gotten some sleep, and they were kicking us out!

The one bright spot in my week was the next few hours. After we cleaned Ryleigh up as best we could, I took her to IHOP for a treat. I let her order whatever she wanted, which meant hot chocolate with a mountain of whipped cream on top, and the world's largest chocolate chip pancake with more whipped cream and chocolate chips on top of that. She was so happy! We had a sweet breakfast, no pun intended, together. Then we went home and showered. She stood under that water forever! She likes to stay in the shower for ridiculously long periods of time, but I told her she could this time. Every time I checked on her, she was still just standing there, glue suds still running down the drain. I finally told her she had to wash her hair, etc. or there wouldn't be any hot water left for me. After we were feeling a little bit fresher, we went to the mall to do some shopping. Mostly a good time together, but she always tires of shopping faster than I do. Though not by much this time!

My Personal Soundtrack

I've been finalizing my personal soundtrack. Your what??? My soundtrack might be better described as my personal psalms -- they are the songs that best express my heart and the journey it has been on for the past two years or so (or maybe my entire life). Some of them are the prayers that my heart has cried in my most vulnerable moments as God and I have wrestled with where He is leading me. Others are His sweet response whispered to my soul when I most needed to hear from Him. I want to share the list with you. It is my prayer you will find time to listen to some of these and that they will bless you, too!

Fingerprints of God by Steven Curtis Chapman
Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing recorded by Chris Joyner & Ben Lashey
Lord Move, Or Move Me by FFH
Your Hands by JJ Heller
Better Is One Day by Matt Redman
He Is by Mark Schultz
How He Loves by the David Crowder Band
What Do I Know of Holy by Addison Road
Fade Me Away by Graham Davis
Everything Glorious by the David Crowder Band
Amazing Grace (My Chains Are Gone) by Chris Tomlin
I Will Rise by Chris Tomlin
Blessed Be Your Name by Matt Redman
You're My Little Girl by Go Fish

I'd be happy to hear your thoughts or talk to you about any of my choices. It may seem a strange collection to some people, and some of these songs have better stories than others, but they have all touched me deeply. Blessings to you!

P.S. (Easter 2010) I'm adding another song to this list... The Hammer Holds by Bebo Norman.

God is Bigger than the Impossible Dream

So I've been contemplating this entry for a while. I apologize if this ends up being long; it's a couple of months worth of "stuff." Part of the delay was figuring out how to explain something that I am unable to discuss the details of and yet is a huge part of my story. It finally came together for me.

Have you ever prayed that prayer: "God, if this one thing would happen, life would be perfect. I know it's impossible, but...?" And did you believe the impossibility was bigger than God? Silly you. Silly me. During my time teaching in Fairfax County, I learned a lot. A lot of which I was unable to process and understand until I left. And I moved to PA with one impossibility on my mind. Ryan and I often talked about how great it would be, if only... (that's the part I can't talk about). But I really believed that the impossibility of that desire was just that... impossible. I never dreamed such an opportunity would ever come my way. (Yes, there are a few of you out there who helped me process this, so you do know what I'm talking about.)

But God is SO big. Just before Christmas and in the few weeks following, God showed me how big He really is. God made the impossible come true. The opportunity I thought would make life perfect presented itself. The door to my golden opportunity was wide open. And I hesitated. I did not walk right through. Surprised? I was. Surprised at myself. I talked to Ryan, to my family, to my closest friends, to the God who opened the door. I wondered why I even felt the need to think about it. I prayed for God to make the decision so clear. Ryan found an article at Nehemiah Ministries about golden opportunities. This really spoke to my heart, in so many ways. I continued to pray for a period of weeks. I finally came to a point where I made a decision. I am grateful for a dear friend who spoke major truth to me during our precious time together and helped me reach that point of knowing myself. "God, I am going to walk through this open door, unless you stop me." And I even dared to declare to Him the red flag I was hoping for. And again, I failed to trust in the greatness of my God. I declared the flag I hoped to see, but I assure you, I did not believe I would see it.

God answered my impossible prayer and then proceded to stop me from walking through the open door with the very thing I believed He could not do. It was a moment where God's singular answer was the answer to many questions all at once. (It has since created some additional questions, mostly about my sanity, but that's another story.)

So, while I am not at liberty to talk about the specifics of the open door (and they don't matter in terms of God's story), I can talk about God's answer and what this particular red flag looks like. This particular flag takes the form of nausea and exhaustion for several months and will result in an addition to our family come September. (And the flag was pink, not red.) This, too, was something I wasn't sure was possible, at least not at that very moment. And yet, here was my sign, clear as day. The sign that caused me to walk away from the open door. Completely at peace with walking away.

There is much work God still has to do with me. I still struggle daily with where God is leading me, with the big picture. But clearly, He is bigger than anything I am dealing with. He is big enough to do the impossible, and I am resting in that. God showed me that He truly does know me so intimately and the desires of my heart (He put them there), that He can and will provide for all my needs, and that it will all be OK. And if He can do this once, He can do it again, when I'm not so busy with my most important calling as a mom. But most importantly, God really taught me a lot about myself through the period of weeks between the opening of and the walking away from the door. I am grateful for the journey. And that nothing is impossible with God.

Your Hands

You ever notice how a song will find you over and over again when you most need to hear it? This song has echoed through my days recently, and its words, though simple, speak volumes. My life is not a disaster, there are people going through far worse than anything I have ever struggled with. But these words provide comfort wherever you are, wherever you've been. The only place to be is safe in His hands, because He is constant, unwavering, unshakable.

Over the last year and a half, I have struggled with lonliness and all the uncertainty of starting over at a time in life when I thought we would be settling in. And despite all my doubts, God has reassured me time and time again that He is indeed holding me in His hands, working out His plan, and loving me with a love only He is capable of. I just need to let go. Karen Owens wrote in her blog once about monkey bars... how the scary part isn't hanging on, it's letting go and falling. What am I hanging on to? What if I just let myself fall? I know where I'd land, so why am I afraid of letting go?

I have unanswered prayers
I have trouble I wish wasn't there
And I have asked a thousand ways
That you would take my pain away

I am trying to understand
How to walk this weary land
Make straight the paths that crookedly lie
Oh Lord, before these feet of mine

When my world is shaking
Heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave your hands

When you walked upon the Earth
You healed the broken, lost, and hurt
I know you hate to see me cry
One day You will set all things right

When my world is shaking
Heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave your hands

Your hands
Your hands that shape the world
Are holding me, they hold me still

Doubt

Pastor John has been talking about doubt the last few weeks. Do you doubt God? Have you ever? Can anyone who's walked this walk for very long say they've never doubted? Honestly? Not even a little bit? It's part of our humanity and our struggle for control, right?

So I was just thinking about this. Thinking about me and where I am on my journey. And I thought about my doubt. What do I doubt? I do not doubt that God is there, or even right here. I do not doubt that He sent His only Son to the Cross with me on His mind. I do not doubt my salvation and my eternal destination. I do not doubt that God has a plan. Yes, I sometimes question that plan, but I know He knows the big picture that I cannot see, and that in light of eternity, it must make sense.

But oh, I doubt. So what is it I doubt? That's the very question I ask myself. Well... There's a lot of things in my life right now that I wish were different than they are, and yet, I still believe God has me here for a reason. I do think I need an attitude adjustment, especially lately. I know I have much to be grateful for... my husband, two healthy little girls, life itself, food in my pantry (even if none of it seems to satisfy these days), a roof over my head (even if it's a mess beneath that roof), an amazing family (who only drives my crazy sometimes), friends (even if they sometimes seem so far away)... all the things that matter. I should be full of joy. And I hate that I'm not. I really hate my attitude. But some days, I'm just so tired, I don't feel like I can even think about adjusting it. Does that make any sense?

So I don't doubt there is a plan, but I think I doubt my role in it. Not that I have a role, but that I am fulfilling it, or doing so very well. I doubt myself. I look at all the ways I am failing to live up to what I think I should, or what I think my husband must expect of me, or what my friends might expect, or what Martha Stewart would expect. I look at amazing, godly women who have been through really tough stuff, really tough stuff, and yet walk with grace and joy I know I do not exude. What is my problem? My life isn't that bad. Is it exactly how I would have imagined it? No, probably not. But isn't awful, just lonely sometimes.

God, I know you have a plan, but I sure would appreciate being let in on it. I don't think this is all you have for me. What do you want to do with this life? Surely, there's more to it than washing and drying and folding laundry so it can get dirty and wet and wrinkled again, more than dishwashers being loaded and unloaded (be grateful I have a dishwasher), more than changing diapers I just changed five minutes ago (Ashtyn, are you ready for the potty?), more than sucking up goldfish crumbs for the umpteenth time, more than picking up toys for the millionth time (why do we have so many toys???), more than...

Remember that book we read as girls, "Are you there God? It's me Margaret?" Are you there God? Yeah, OK, there you are. What are we going to do today? Show me something new today. Help my unbelief. I do not doubt You or that You have a plan. I think I might be getting in the way. So I guess my prayer is once again, "Lord move, or move me." Move me. Out of Your way. And remove my doubt.

Secrets... Sweet Secrets

A blogging friend of mine mentioned a few weeks ago that we must have stuff going on since I've been so negligent in my blogging. She has no idea. Sometimes God does amazing things, and it's hard to process it, at least publicly, for a while. So, my friends, be patient. I keep the sweet secrets He is revealing to me, but not forever. I'm just trying to put all the pieces together.

God continues to remind me, and it's no secret, that He loves me more than I can imagine, even when I feel completely alone. He continues to remind me that it is all for a purpose and all under His control, even if I can't see it right now. And He will always provide for all of my needs. Even when I think what I need or want is actually an impossible desire. He is more than capable. Have a little faith, Amanda.

Sometimes one answer takes care of many questions. Thank you God, for so succintly answering so many of my questions. Granted, the answer brings more questions (mostly about my sanity), but I trust you will provide answers to those questions in due time.

Well, it's preschool pick-up time. Stay tuned, friends. It's only a matter of time. :)

More of My Girls, More Music, More Green in 2009 (Amanda)

So, in our journey toward a more environmentally-friendly lifestyle, we are not printing Christmas letters this year. This post (and the ones that follow) are how each of us sums up the past year. Thanks for reading!

Here's our first "formal" family picture since Ashtyn joined us. Three out of four smiles isn't bad. :)

It's hard to describe the past year for me. As I read over last year's letter, I noticed we referred to it as a roller coaster. As I look back on 2009, I can tell you that 2008 was a kiddie coaster! At least for me! I think I was caught up in the excitement of all the newness of the adventure in 2008. Now reality has hit, and I've discovered reality is going to take far more adjusting than I had initially thought.

The high's of 2009 have been my precious girls. I am often overwhelmed, sometimes by the girls and their antics, but more often by my sheer love for them. I didn't know I could love two little people so much! They bring such joy to my life, and even though they drive me crazy some days, I could not possibly love them more! I'm sure you other parents can relate. I am amazed that two children with the same parents can be so different. Their personalities were summed up one evening as we sat in the family room after dinner. Ryleigh looked at Ryan and said, "I want to wrestle," and proceded to jump on top of him. Ashtyn walked over to me and said, "I want to snuggle." I just laughed. Ryleigh is more of the daddy's girl and much more into active play. Ashtyn is my little snuggle-bug and would rather rock her babies and read to Monkey than run around after her sister (although she does that too).

Sometimes Ryleigh is annoyed with Ashtyn always following her around and trying to do everything she does, but mostly, she relishes it. She loves being the "teacher" and tells Ashtyn, "Oh Ashy, I'm so proud of you!" and gives her big hugs when she does something. They do occasionally fight over toys, but more often than not, they just love being together and being sisters. The other morning we were getting breakfast ready, and Ashtyn looked up at Ryleigh and said, "I love you, Ryleigh!" So sweet!

And as I reflect on my love for my girls, I am then humbled by the love my Father has for me. A love that we prepare to celebrate in the gift of His one and only Son. Because I know that my Heavenly Father alone knows all of me, the good, the bad, and the ugly, and that He still loves me even more than I love my little girls. Wow. I pray that you are celebrating the real reason for the season this year, that you know the person of Jesus and understand the gift that He is, and that no matter what circumstances life has dealt you at the moment, you know that because of His gift, you will enjoy all eternity in the presence of a Holy God. That is the Hope I cling to, even as I ride this roller coaster.

A year ago, we thought we had finally found a church home, but after spending several months there, we felt the need to move on. So we spent the summer and fall once again church shopping. We ask you to continue to pray for this issue in our lives, as it has presented a challenge in our quest to call this home. We believe in God's plan and His purpose, but this has been a struggle.

Speaking of home... In July, we moved from our little carriage house in East Greenville to a home just across the fields from the farm. Moving twice in 12 months is not my idea of a good time and made me realize just how much "stuff" we have. Ugh! On the positive side, we all now have bedroom doors, a bigger and nicer kitchen, and a brand new washer, dryer, and gas grill (thank you, Mom and Dad!). The closeness to the farm allows Ryan to come home for lunch sometimes and for quick trips to the preschool or to Grandma and Poppa's house.

I joined the Montgomery County Concert Band last fall and continue to perform with them. It's been a crazy year there, as our conductor was diagnosed with cancer after our spring concert. The good news is that, after missing the summer season, he was able to return to conduct about half of our November concert. Several of us were given the opportunity, in his absence, to rehearse and conduct pieces of our choosing over the summer, so that was a lot of fun. It felt good to get back on the podium, although I had never been in front of a group of adults before, especially a group mostly older than myself.

To help fill that musical void I've experienced since leaving Virginia, I was also able to take on a part-time job this fall working with the Upper Perkiomen High School Marching Band. Working a few days a week, I assisted with the young, fairly inexperienced program (half the students were rookie marchers). While there was lots of frustration and hurdles to overcome, especially during the first half of the season (one of those was rain nearly every weekend!), we ended up having a great Fall, and I am excited to start again next summer. I am grateful for the opportunity, and I know I was able to grow a lot and realize more of what I am capable of as a teacher. Sometimes you need a fresh start, a new situation, something away from the ordinary routine, to realize how much you've learned.

Another subject I've continued to learn a lot about is the journey toward a "greener" life. While we have always recycled, when Ashtyn was born and we started using gDiapers, a whole new world opened up to us. Then when we moved to PA and started Butter Valley Harvest, our knowledge expanded, as we pursued greener ways of building and running the greenhouse. Growing hydroponically has introduced us to other people who are interested in healthy living, buying local food, etc. Some of my friends laugh at me and my reusable grocery bags and ask me when I became a hippie. But really, it's all about my family. I've realized the advantages to my children when I buy local food (healthier, fresher), eliminate chemicals from our cleaners and detergents and diapers (I don't miss those smells at all!), and do what I can to preserve the earth for their grandchildren. Our motivation isn't so much "save the earth" as it is to do the best we can for our girls and their future and to care for the earth as God told Adam in the Garden of Eden. It just so happens that things that are better for my girls are better for the planet. It's amazing how little steps open doors into a whole new world. I have learned so much!

In Butter Valley Harvest news, we opened a market on the farm back in April. We are open two days a week, and do a steady business. Ryan's mom generally runs the market on Wednesday afternoons, and we spend most Saturdays on the farm. While we have hired one person part-time, I look forward to the day when we can count on non-family members to run the market.

One of the biggest obstacles to feeling settled has been a lack of sleep. Ashtyn has always been a pretty good sleeper (though naps are becoming an issue), but as many of you know, Ryleigh has really struggled since she was about 18 months old with a variety of issues, from confusional arousal to more severe night terrors. We were repeatedly told not to worry, that she would grow out of it. This summer, we noticed that she would hold her breath in the middle of these episodes. We finally saw a pediatric sleep specialist, a blood test revealed an iron deficiency which is at least part of the problem (contributes to Restless Leg Syndrome), and we are awaiting a sleep study in March (or sooner if there's a cancellation). We are excited to finally be getting some answers and appreciate your continued prayers for Ryleigh and her tired parents. (BTW, one of the things I read was that at least 25% of children diagnosed with ADHD are actually suffering from iron deficiency or other sleep disorders that cause them to act out because they are overtired. I totally get that!)

So it's been another crazy year in the Ehst household. But I love my girls more every day, I'm still learning and growing (although not necessarily in ways I would have predicted), and despite my frustrations and emotional fluctuations, God is still in control and on the throne. May you know the peace that passes all understanding this Christmas. And may you be showered with blessings in 2010.

Reflections (Ryan)

Coming soon... so he says. We'll be snowed in this weekend, so come back soon for Ryan's thoughts on 2009.

Update (1/3/2010): OK, clearly Ryan's intentions to blog are not to be realized, so here's a bit from Amanda on his behalf... Butter Valley Harvest is much more than the dream and the promise it was a year ago. Last Christmas, we harvested our first greens for our family's Christmas dinner salads. In January, we began harvesting "for real," and within months we were working with a couple of wholesalers, several Wegman's stores, several Redner's stores, several independent local grocery stores, and opened our own market on the farm. It's been a busy year!

We do not currenty have grow lights (a goal for next year), so our growth times are affected greatly by shorter daylight hours. We are currently selling everything we are growing with the demand being greater than our supply. As the days get longer, our greens will grow faster, and we will be able to increase production.

The tomatoes and cucumbers grew into December and new babies are currently waiting to be transplanted and moved from the lettuce house to the tomato house. We will have new fruits ready in March.

The response from the community to our business has been wonderful, and we are very grateful for that. For more about what we do, please check out our website.... http://www.buttervalleyharvest.com/.

Random Musings on 2009 (Ryleigh)

*Note from Mommy: Ryleigh dictated most of this herself with a little bit of editing from me.*

In March, my best friend from Virginia came to visit for her birthday. Our mommies took me and Maddie to Sweet and Sassy where we got manicures and pedicures and fancy hairdo's. Plus we got glitter stars on our cheeks and lollipops! Mommy can only find this picture of my toes. Where are the ones of our fancy hair???

I celebrated my 4th birthday at the beach in August with my parents and sister, Grandma and Grandpa Bechtel, Uncle Ben, Jaime, and Aunt Sarah and Uncle Andrew. Daddy forgot the decorator for my cupcakes, so we fingerpainted with the icing on the cupcakes instead. I was glad he forgot Mommy's decorator! I was a little afraid of the waves at the beach, but not as afraid as Ashtyn.

I like to be at school and play with my friend Lauren. I'm in the Pre-K class at Bally Community Preschool now, three days a week. I like to play with the farm, puppies, and blocks. I also like when Poppa or Grandma or Daddy picks me up from school sometimes, because that usually mean something special, like a date with Daddy or lunch at the farm. I like to be the Helper of the Day at school, but I also get excited for my friends when it's their turn.

I have trouble sleeping sometimes; it comes and goes. Mommy and Daddy took me to a special doctor who talked to us for a long time. They gave me markers and coloring books and a regular book and stickers, and I got to keep them. I had to have a blood test, which was awful and I cried a lot, and now I have to take yucky iron drops twice a day. But I seem to be sleeping better. I also have to go back to the doctor and sleep over with Mommy or Daddy in a few months. They are going to stick these icky things all over my face and legs, put straps around my chest and tummy, and put tubes in my nose. Mommy says it's to see what happens in my body while I'm asleep, but I don't know how I'm supposed to sleep like that! I think I'll watch a movie.

I love to run and wrestle with Daddy and sing and dance. I also like to take the cushions off the couch and build forts or tents or sliding boards with them. Ashtyn tries to do everything I do. I love Tinkerbell and Princesses, and I love to do craft, especially when glue and/or glitter is involved. I love when Daddy makes up Jack stories for me before bed. I like to retell them and change them a little bit. Mommy and Daddy say I'm very creative. I think it's because my brain never stops!

Thoughts from Toddler-dom (Ashtyn)

I don't remember too much about January except my birthday. I turned 1 on January 28th and celebrated with my family at home. I got some fun toys to play with and new shoes that it took forever my little feet forever to grow into.

I started walking and running, trying desperately to keep up with Ryleigh. She's fast! And I stopped taking two naps a day at some point, which was more traumatic for Mommy than it was for me.

I've nearly filled my mouth with teeth, which I have not enjoyed at all! (It's nice to have teeth, because Mommy and Daddy let me eat a lot more interesting foods now, but the process has not been pleasant!). I seem to stay in the teething phase (drooling and all) for long periods of time before anything happens, and then suddenly in one week, I'll have 3 new teeth. Mommy or Daddy will give me these little teething tablets that melt in my mouth and make me feel much better. I just wish the drooling would stop... my pretty dress was soaked today just from sitting during Ryleigh's school Christmas program. My big sister goes to school three days a week, and I really miss her while she's away. Mommy and I usually go grocery shopping one of those days, and that pretty well fills up the morning. Sometimes it's nice to have Mommy and all the toys all to myself, but I'm always excited to go pick Ryleigh up from school. I also love to help Mommy take the clothes out of the washer and put them into the dryer. I can identify most of our family's laundry and who it belongs to.

Monkey is still my best friend in the whole world, and I don't go too many places without him. My big sister made him for me at Build-a-Bear Workshop and brought him to the hospital when I was born, so we've always been together.

My favorite things to do are read, color, read, play with babies, read, play with Little People, and read. I even read books without any pictures sometimes. I love to play with my big sister, but she doesn't always let me play with all her toys. She and Mommy think I'll eat her princesses' shoes or something crazy like that!

I'm starting to get an idea about this whole potty thing. Sometimes I tell Mommy or Daddy right away when my diaper is dirty, and other days I'd rather not stop playing to get my diaper changed and wrestling matches occur on the changing table. But I like to sit on the big girl potty like my sister does. I haven't done much yet, but I like to wipe my bottom.

I can talk almost as much as my sister does, and I'm learning to count. Ryleigh is also teaching me songs and motions to go with them. We have lots of fun together. I love Ryleigh!

Desert Writer's Block (Amanda)

I really think I should stop putting the author's name after my blog titles.... Ryan has only chimed in once. :) Maybe I'll just let you know if he decides he has something to say. Believe it or not, it could happen. He's been more talkative lately. But more on that in a minute.

I have wanted to blog for a while now, but have felt the task more than I was up for. Yes, I should update some of my followers on the cuteness of my little girls, because I know you like to hear what they are up to. Ryleigh is finished with swimming lessons until she decides to put her face in the water and loves having preschool three days a week. Ashtyn is into baby dolls and "reading." She sits with a book and says a bunch of words, with about every other one being "Mommy." I love my girls, even when they drive me crazy fighting over one of the 800 crayons we seems to have all over the family room. :)

But back to the writer's block... I have just been overwhelmed by my feelings about everything. Sometimes you just feel like there's so much going on that you aren't sure it can be put into words. I think I'll feel better after a good cleansing cry.... where can I schedule that in?

I am in a season where I am aware of God's presence, but not really sure of what He's up to these days. But then He sends a few signals and it all starts to come into focus.

I am aware that I am in a desert season, but that sometimes that's where we need to be for a time. A desert does not mean God is not there... I think it means He's preparing me for the next big thing. Uh oh. Am I up for another big thing? The last big thing has been a bit more than I bargained for... and it landed me here in the desert. Either way, I have no say. I am in the desert, and I wait, seeking only more of God and His presence, not worrying about where we're going or when we'll get there. At least, that's what I'm telling myself.

I have become aware that there is too much of me and not enough of God. I am getting in the way. I need less of me, myself, and I and more of Him. It's just not about me.

While I don't see God's immediate work in my life, I realize I am blessed to witness His work in my husband in so many ways. He is speaking to Ryan and speaking to me through Ryan. That hasn't happened in a long time. It's refreshing in so many ways. God expresses His love for me in new ways when He speaks through Ryan.

I have learned to stop looking for God's direction and just to seek His heart. I just need to spend more time in His presence. When it's time to move, He will provide the direction. But sometimes, we just need to rest in the desert. We don't think of the desert as a resting place, more of a place to get through as quickly as possible. And while I am not particularly enjoying my time here, there are blessings to take note of. And maybe I will realize this is a time of rest. There are always things to be grateful for, even in the desert.