One of the things I've been thinking about these past few days is worth. My worth. What am I worth? Should it depend on who you ask? My answer has changed a lot over the course of my lifetime. So perhaps we'll go back to the beginning...
I don't know if it started sooner, but I know for sure that at age 13, I was very insecure about who I was and what my value was. Actually I know it started a few years prior. It started at that middle school/pre-teen age when you start competing for things, whether it's top grades or roles in school plays. The age when you start believing that certain teachers might have favorites. When I started finding out I wasn't always good enough. Now, in life, this is somewhat unavoidable. We won't always have the highest grade on everything, or be the star of every show, or the MVP of the team (yeah, I know, I was never that), or get the job, or whatever. But there is definitely a more healthy attitude about these competitions than I had. What was probably a normal level of pre-teen struggles with this became much more complicated when we moved to a new, much larger school the summer I turned 13. This issue of knowing early on where true value lies is an area I strive to do right by my children in. We'll see how that turns out.
Lifelong insecurity is no fun. I moved from wondering what my value was to at some points, "knowing' it was non-existent. My self-esteem was frequently quite low during my teens. Dating did not help me at all.
But I don't want to spend this entry telling you about my history of low self-esteem. I want to tell you where I am now. My 30s seem to have brought me to a new place in how I see myself. Maybe it's life experience. But I think it's more of where I am on my spiritual journey. I've heard it said that you can't appreciate the mountaintop experiences if you've lived on the mountaintops your whole life. We need the valleys. So I appreciate where God has brought me, from where He's brought me.
What am I worth? There is only one answer that matters. The truth is, I'm not worthy of anything. On my own. But I am a child of God, the King of Kings. Alone I am worth nothing. I am a failure, a sinner, a disappointment. I've blown it, repeatedly, with my husband, my children, my parents, my siblings, my friends, total strangers. But I am washed in the blood of Christ. The only answer that matters is what I am worth to God. I matter to Him. A lot. The only one who is worthy is the Lamb. But when God looks at me, He sees me through the blood of His Son. I am worth the ultimate sacrifice on the Cross. Because of the Cross, my sins are on the bottom of the ocean, they are as far away as the east is from the west. Because of the Cross, God sees me as worthy through the One who is most worthy. I'm not worthy of much on my own. But with Christ, I am worthy of all the riches of Heaven.
This has nothing to do with what I do. It has everything to do with Grace. Amazing Grace. I love the Chris Tomlin version of this song, with the added verse, "My chains are gone. I've been set free. My God, my Savior has ransomed me!" Somewhere in the last few years, I have developed a new confidence. A confidence in my eternal destiny. I know, with all certainty, that I am worth the blood of the Son to the Father. I know where I will spend eternity. I don't know if I'll ever look in the mirror and think I'm much to look at. I doubt the world, beyond my little circle of influence, will ever know who I am. But I know I have great value to the only One who matters.
Do you understand how much you're worth? How much you're loved? There's only one opinion that matters.
Jesus sought me when a stranger, wandering from the fold of God;
He, to rescue me from danger, interposed his precious blood.
O to grace how great a debtor daily I'm constrained to be!
Let thy goodness, like a fetter, bind my wandering heart to thee.
Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it, prone to leave the God I love;
Here's my heart, O take and seal it, seal it for thy courts above.
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